Honor, Guard, Cherish

Good morning church.

First of all, I just want to take a moment and wish you a happy Father’s Day. To the dads. To the men who stepped in when somebody else stepped out. To the ones who never had a father and decided to become one anyway.

I just want you to know you are seen today.

And here is what I love about a day like today. On a day like today, I get to stand up in front of the men in this room and tell you about my father.

And of course you know what I mean. I mean the Father.

I love the Father, church. The Father has loved me in a way I could not begin to describe to you. And one of the joys of my life is getting to introduce him to other people. To tell you how blessed I am, by his undivided grace toward his Son, and by the Spirit of his Son that lives inside this clay vessel.

I think about Peter. I think about sitting down next to him while he writes these words.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. 1 PETER 1:3-4

And... you have to understand something about me to understand why this verse wrecks my heart.

I did not have a father for so long. And for so long, I did not want the Father to be a Father. I can tell you, there was a point where Jesus was all I wanted. I thought he was all I needed. All that I have ever desired.

For my whole life as a child and young adult, I had no clue what a father is supposed to be. I have only been one for nineteen years.

There are three hearts in this world that call me father. And each one sees me a little differently. Three sets of eyes. Three versions of the same man.

And I think to myself, if three hearts, over nineteen years, and seventeen years, and thirteen years, can see me that many ways what about him?

What about our heavenly Father, who has had ages? Eons of watching his children. Some of them turning to see him. and those children of the world… turning to reject him. A Father who, in all that time, has done everything and I mean, everything out of love for those he loves, which is all of his children. You see, living for Jesus cost me so much of my life. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t.

Savior? Yes. Friend of sinners? Yes, I needed that one. Lord? In time. In time he became my Mater and Lord.

But….. there was a season where I just I didn’t want him to live for me. I wanted to live for him.

And here is what I did not understand back then. To live for Christ is to live with a heart that treasures the Son’s Father.

There’s this moment, the night before Jesus dies. He’s in a room with the men who’ve followed him for three years. And one of them, a guy named Philip, finally just says the quiet part out loud. He says, Lord, just show us the Father. That’s it. Show us the Father, and we’ll be satisfied.

And church, I understand Philip, because theres a bit of him within me. Because that has been the cry of my whole life. Just show me the Father. That would be enough. I’ll be reading about Jesus and someone like this would say, just show him… put the beef down and lets hear it sizzle.

And listen to how Jesus answers him.

Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. JOHN 14:9

Now church, here is something I had to learn the hard way. You cannot see the Father rightly until you see the Son rightly.

And for a long time, I didn’t. For a long time, Jesus was useful to me. He was my rescue. He was my way out. He was the one who got me to the good stuff.

But a Jesus you use is a Jesus who is still all about you.

Listne, He is not a springboard to the Father. He is not a door you walk through to get to the thing you actually wanted. Looking at him is looking at the Father. He is not the window. He is the face.

And you might be asking me, okay pastor, but how? How do I see the Son rightly? How do I stop using him and start treasuring him?

And church, the answer was sitting right there in the verse I already read you. Go back and listen to how Peter even starts.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 PETER 1:3 DID, You hear that? That’s not a man teaching. That’s a man worshiping, within these words, within this page.… Peter can’t even get the sentence going without blessing God first.

And that, right there, is the difference. A Jesus you use you study him for what he can do for you. A Jesus you treasure you can’t open your mouth without blessing him.

And when you finally see him like that, you start to see the whole shape of it. Listen to the verse again. His great mercy came first. It came to you through the risen Son. And it was always headed somewhere. Into a living hope.

Mercy first. Through the Son. Headed somewhere.

I didn’t start any of it. I was caught up in the middle of it. Mercy I didn’t earn reached me through a Son I didn’t deserve. And I get just a little taste of that even now. Sometimes I’m sitting in prayer. Sometimes I’m up on a mountain west of here looking over the edge of our world. And sometimes, if I’m honest, I’m just sitting in the pain that I’m in. Sometimes it’s mine. Sometimes it’s a weight I’m carrying for somebody else.

And in those moments something comes up out of me. And it isn’t holy, holy, holy. It’s quieter than that.

It’s that still, small voice. Right here, in my chest. The recognition that he is present. That he is in me.

And all it ever says is Beloved… I am here.

And maybe maybe that’s why this one little word, this Abba, this daddy-word, this most intimate way a person could ever say the name Father, means so much more to me now than it ever used to.

Because a love that deep, a love that’s been singing that same song since before there was even such a thing as time well, a love like that can only mean one thing.

It means he could love a weaker vessel like me.

Now hold onto that word. Weaker vessel. Because we’re about to walk into a verse where Peter uses it. And I’ll be honest with you, church, most of us hear that verse and we brace ourselves for a sermon about women.

But I want to tell you where I actually live in this text. I am the weaker vessel. Not weaker than Alicia. Weaker than my Father. I am the clay. He is the glory poured into it.

And here is what I’m learning.

I cannot honor, and guard, and cherish what I have not first been honored, and guarded, and cherished as.

I have nothing to hand my wife that he did not first hand me. But what he handed me he was never asking me to keep.

So here’s the question forming within me right now is this … What are you beholding? What are you, men… what are you treasuring in this life? Because what you behold is what you become able to give.

Right? We don’[t give what we don’t have.

Here is the verse.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives according to knowledge, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 PETER 3:7

The whole thing hangs on one phrase. Live with her according to knowledge.

Now... that’s a good phrase, isn’t it? Live with her... according to knowledge.

That’s where we begin. And right here, it makes you stop and ask. Knowledge of what?

I mean... is Peter really asking me to know how a woman’s mind works? Because if that’s the test, brother, I’m in trouble.

because I think…. after, Twenty-one years in, I’m still learning her. And honestly? I love that. I’m not at the bottom of her yet. I’ve got another twenty-one years, Lord willing, to keep discovering her. To love her, to make her smile and to hold her when she’s scared, all the while praying that the Lord takes me first, because I wouldn’t be able to function if she was not with me.

Im not trying just to be romantic here.. just honest… because… living with her… accourdiign to knowledge, well that tells me she must be the brains of this whole operation we call marriage and life.

But… honestly, this question Peter raises, tells me something. Whatever Peter means by knowledge here, it can’t be a box you check on your wedding day.

Thats not it… it can’t be… So if it’s not that... then what is it?

Well, my best answer, at this stage in my marriage, is this.

The knowledge Peter’s after is learning to see her the way her Father sees her. Not the facts about her. Not her schedule, not her coffee order, not even twenty-one years of knowing her habits. I mean learning to behold her the…. way heaven beholds her.

Now hold onto that, Because here’s what I’m finding. On the mornings I get her wrong, it’s almost always because I forgot who she actually is. When I get things wrong… in our marriage, and im being honest.,.. I make mistakes… im human just like she is… when I get her wrong….. and start seeing her not has the beloved of Christ… iu no longer see a soul mate, I start seeing a problem.

I see A schedule. Something standing between me and my day. and I ask… in those moments, why? Why have I….. stopped seeing a daughter of God. A fellow heir. A clay jar, jus like me, in my love for the father, through Christ… who is carrying his glory.

Why would I see her in any other way other than to To live with her according to knowledge, which means to live with her is to never stop seeing what, and who she really is.

And church, watch how much seeing Peter packs into this one little verse. Knowledge of what honor is. What a vessel is. What weaker even means. And knowledge of how in the world a man can get his own prayers all tangled up.

And I love that. Because it means you don’t have to go groping around in the dark. You don’t have to wait till you’ve read the right book on marriage to start honoring her tonight. Peter says it’s already close. The knowledge, the you need to honor her, and love her, and to treasure her… is already near you.

So let me flip it around. What’s the opposite? What does it look like to live with her without knowledge?

And Peter already answered that one, back in chapter one.

He says, As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance.

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance. 1 PETER 1:14 Former ignorance. Now hear me on this. That’s not the ignorance of a man who doesn’t know the facts. After twenty-one years, believe me, I’ve got the facts. I know her coffee order. I know which version of her is walking through the door after a hard day of housewifing.

No. The ignorance Peter’s talking about is sneakier than that. It’s knowing her so well that you quietly stop looking at her. It’s when knowing her turns into assuming her. It’s when she stops being someone you behold, and starts being someone you use. A help to your day. A problem in your evening. Something in the way of where you’re trying to go.

And that hurts my heart so much… when did you last looked at her, or him… or someone you care about and go, wow… I’m so captivated by you.

And, trust me, I know that road, church. I do. Because that’s exactly how I used to treat Jesus. I used him. And then one day I learned to treasure him. And everything changed.

So here’s the choice sitting in front of every man in this room. You’re going to live with her one of two ways.

According to what you now know, the daughter of God she really is.

Or according to what you used to be in the dark about, back when she was just useful to you.

Beholding her. Or using her.

And men, you’ve got to land on one or the other. But hear me, when I say choose, I don’t mean this is a choice you make by gritting your teeth and trying harder. Like if you just buckle down and decide to see her better, you’ll pull it off.

Because I’ve tried that. And it lasts about until Tuesday.

No. I learned this in the deeper room, remember? I didn’t climb my way into seeing the Father. The Spirit opened my hands. And, It was a gift. And it’s the same here. You can’t manufacture this kind of sight. You can only receive it.

So the real choice isn’t whether you’re strong enough to see her right. The choice is whether you’ll keep your hands open. Whether you’ll let him give you his eyes for her.

Igt all comes down to this… to know her.

And, be careful, because we hear that word and we think we know what it means. To know her. Like, have her figured out. Know what she’s going to say before she says it.

But that’s not the word Peter’s reaching for.

Listen. The very first time the Bible ever uses that word, to know, it’s not in a classroom. It’s not information at all. It’s Genesis. Adam knew his wife, and she conceived a son.

That’s the Bible being tender with us. Knowing, all the way down at its root, is the closeness between a husband and a wife. It’s covenant. It’s belonging. It’s two people who’ve given themselves to each other. To do what? To fulfill the purpose God has given to them.. to love him and to love one another.

Thats the gospel right there in genesis.

And then, watch what God does with that word. He picks it up in Hosea, and he says it about himself. He says, I will betroth you to me forever. And you will know the Lord. God takes the most intimate word we’ve got, the one that started in a marriage, and he says, that. That’s how I want to be known by you.

Not studied on a Wednesday night, or a Sunday morning. … Not figured out…. Known.

So when Peter turns to us husbands and says, live with her according to knowledge, do you hear how deep that goes now? He’s not asking me to master her. He’s asking me to know her the way God knows me. With covenant. With faithfulness. With a love that just... stays.

And here’s the thing about that kind of knowing. For Peter, it’s never cold. It was never just facts in your head. When you know someone like that, really know them, it lights a fire. It changes what you want.

Think back to before you knew God. Before any of this. There was a time we were all just... in the dark. Didn’t know what was up or down in the universe. Didn’t know the cross. Didn’t know the Spirit. Didn’t even really know what love was. The whole thing was fog.

And then God opens your eyes. New birth. And the knowing starts flooding in. But watch what Peter says happens next, because this is the part we skip right over. The new knowing

makes new wanting. New loves. New desires. You don’t just know more. You start to want differently.

That’s actually how you can tell something’s alive. Right? How do you know a baby’s alive? It wants something. A living thing wants.

Its natural… the only reason your even here today is what? You want something. And for osmen of you, its Christ, for some of you.. its to be recognized as fathers at churhc… for some of you… you’re just here and confused.

Now somebody’s going to push back on me. Pastor, there’s a long way between my head and my heart. And listen, maybe. Yeah, sometimes there is.

But I know that distance better than most. I lived in it for years. I had all of Jesus up in my head. I had the facts. But the Father didn’t land in my heart until he opened my hands and I finally saw him. And here’s what I learned in that moment. What closed the gap wasn’t me trying harder to feel something. It was the seeing. The seeing is what lit the fire.

So when Peter turns to us and says, live with her according to knowledge, I’m hearing all of that underneath it. He’s saying, men, you know her now. So you’re going to feel something now. Because you cannot really see who she is and stay unmoved.

So let me show you what you’re actually looking at. When a man finally sees his wife with those eyes, here’s who’s standing in his kitchen.

She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. That’s Peter’s word. A fellow heir. Same grace as you. Same inheritance as you. Same forever as you. Remember that inheritance I read you way back at the beginning? Imperishable, undefiled, unfading, kept in heaven? Hear me, men. That’s not just yours. It’s hers. Every bit as much as it’s yours.

And I think that changes the very first thought a man’s allowed to have in the morning. Not what she did wrong yesterday. Not the argument you never finished. The first true thing, before your feet even hit the floor, is this. The woman lying next to me is going to inherit the world.

And I didn’t make that up. Paul did.

All things are yours, whether the world or life or death or the present or the future. All are yours, and you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s. 1 CORINTHIANS 3:21-23

She inherits the world, church. And that’s just for starters. After that, the galaxies are her backyard.

So let me ask you something. When’s the last time you read Scripture to her? And I don’t mean about her. I mean to her. When’s the last time you pulled a Solomon?

Because Solomon went for it. Listen to how this man talks to his wife.

Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing. SONG OF SONGS 4:2 Now, some of you know Alicia and I have two Finn sheep. Jeb Jeb. And Pickles.

So picture this with me. I take Alicia out to the pen. Just the four of us. Jeb Jeb, Pickles, me, and my bride. And I look deep into her eyes, and I say... honey... your teeth... they’re just like Jeb Jeb after a good wash.

I don’t think that lands the way Solomon meant it.

But here’s what he’s actually doing. He’s saying, baby, your teeth are white, you’ve still got every one of them, and in his day, that was a compliment. That was the man swooning.

And here’s what gets me about it. Solomon isn’t being weird. He’s a man who has looked at his wife so long, and loved her so much, that he’s run clean out of normal words. He’s grabbing for sheep and goats and towers because plain language just can’t hold what he sees when he looks at her.

So let me ask it straight, men. When’s the last time you looked at your wife long enough... to run out of words?

Because that’s what beholding does. It ruins you for careless words. And it’s the opposite of being harsh. So let me ask the other plain question. How do you get to be harsh with someone like that? How do you talk down to a fellow heir of the grace of life over a sink full of dishes? Or dirty kids, or something doesn’t get done?

I don’t care what she did. I don’t care how many problems are stacked up in your house this morning. Strong believer, struggling believer, the morning after the worst fight you’ve ever had, it doesn’t change the knowing. She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. And the man who really sees that... loves her as the father loves her.

Now right after Peter calls her a fellow heir, he uses a word that trips people up. He calls her a vessel.

And church, you remember what I told you about myself this morning? I said I’m the clay, and he’s the glory poured into it. Well, here’s the thing, that’s not me being poetic. That’s Peter. He’s been saying it this whole letter. The container fades. The treasure doesn’t.

So when Peter gets to chapter three and calls her a vessel, his people already know exactly what he means. A vessel is a container. And it almost always holds something worth more than itself.

Alicia just bought this pitcher for our counter. Fills it with water, drops in some fruit. And when I come in thirsty and reach for it, I promise you I’m not admiring the pitcher. Nobody writes a poem about the pitcher. I want what’s inside. The glass is just carrying the good part.

And church, Paul says it out loud, the same way, with the same word Peter’s using.

We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 2 CORINTHIANS 4:7

There it is. Jars of clay. And what’s in the jar? The glory of God himself.

So when Peter calls her a vessel, he’s not insulting her. He’s telling you what she’s carrying. She’s clay holding glory. And so are you. Every one of us in this room is a clay jar carrying something worth a thousand times more than the jar.

And men, once you really see that... you handle people differently. You stop being careless with the clay. Because you’ve finally noticed what’s inside it.

Which brings us to the word everybody snags on. Weaker. The weaker vessel.

And I’m not going to dance around it. I want to open the book and watch what Peter actually does with it. Because Peter does not do the thing we’re all afraid he’s about to do.

Here’s the first thing. Look at the whole verse again.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives according to knowledge, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life. 1 PETER 3:7

You see it? Weaker vessel... since they are heirs with you. Same breath. Same sentence. Weaker, and fellow heir, sitting right next to each other. So whatever Peter means by weaker, he cannot mean lesser. The same verse says she inherits everything you inherit. He built the guardrail right into his own sentence.

Now here’s the second thing, and this is the one that settles it for me. You have to back up and read what Peter was saying right before he ever turned to us husbands. Look how he describes her, just a verse up.

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves... And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 PETER 3:5-6

Read that last line again. Do not fear anything that is frightening. That’s his picture of her. A daughter of Sarah. A woman who hoped in God so deeply that nothing in this world could scare her.

So sit with that. Two verses before Peter ever says the word weaker, his portrait of this woman is a woman who is fearless. Rooted. Brave. Unshakable. So when he turns around and says weaker vessel, he is not talking about some timid little thing who needs a man to have a backbone for her. He just told you how strong her soul is.

Now, is there a plain sense to the word? Sure. In general, she may be the more physically tender one, and Peter’s first readers just assumed that. I’m not going to pretend the word isn’t on the page. But watch what Peter builds on top of it. Read his own logic. He does not say, she’s weaker, therefore you’re in charge. He does not say, she’s weaker, therefore you decide. Look at what he actually says. She’s weaker... therefore show her honor.

That’s the whole move. Weaker, therefore honor. Peter takes the one place she might be more easily hurt, and he does not build a ladder over her. He builds an altar to her. The more tender the vessel, the more carefully you carry it. The honor goes up, not down.

And you have to understand how strange that is. Because our whole culture has only ever handed us two options for this. Two. And Peter’s holding out a third that nobody’s selling.

The first one’s the old one. Strength means you’re in charge. The stronger one stands over the weaker one and sets the terms. And honestly? A lot of you, when you heard “weaker vessel,” that’s the ladder you braced for. You thought, here it comes, the Bible’s about to put men on top.

But it didn’t. Peter already kicked that ladder over two verses ago. Fellow heir. Do not be afraid. He is not handing you a throne.

The second option is the one we’re most proud of. We looked at that old hierarchy, and we hated it, and I get why. So we said, alright, no difference at all. Dead even. We’ll keep score.

You do half, I do half, you got the kids last time so it’s my turn, and if there’s a noise downstairs at two in the morning, it’s as much your turn as mine. And that sounds like fairness. It sounds like progress.

But you want to know what it actually is? It’s still a ladder. It’s just a ladder where everybody’s white-knuckling their own rung, making sure nobody climbs higher. It’s a marriage run like a bank statement. And there is no honor in a bank statement. There’s just math.

And then here comes Peter. And he won’t put the man on top. And he won’t hand you a measuring tape either. He points at this woman, this vessel full of the glory of God, points at the very place she’s more tender, and he says one word. Honor. Guard her there. Spend your strength on her.

That’s not a ladder. That’s an altar. Our culture can hand you a throne, or it can hand you a scoreboard. Only Jesus hands you a man who lays his strength down, on purpose, like worship, over the treasure God set right in front of him.

And men, hear how this lands on me. I told you at the very start. I’m the weaker vessel. Weaker than my Father. I’m clay too. So I don’t get to stand over her as the strong one looking down on the weak one. That was never it. I’m just one clay jar, who got handed a little strength by pure grace, and the whole point of that strength is to spend it guarding another jar carrying the same glory I am.

That’s what the strength is for. And whatever strength I’ve got, I didn’t make it. It was given to me. So even my guarding... is just grace passing through.

So if there’s a noise downstairs in the dark, I’m not lying there doing the math on whose turn it is. Love doesn’t do math. Love runs toward the noise. If something’s down there, I’m going first. Not because she couldn’t handle it. She might handle it better than me. That was never the question. The question is whether there’s something in a man that says, I will put myself between her and the danger, because she is my treasure. And because Someone went first for me.

But church, hear me. Most nights there is no noise downstairs. Most nights it’s just the two of you. And the day you had. And the things that didn’t get said.

And do you remember how Peter even ended that verse? He says, show her honor so that your prayers may not be hindered.

And men, I have to be honest with you about what that is. We’ve been circling it all morning and I think it’s time we just name it. Using her instead of beholding her. That’s

not a rough patch. It’s not the dishes. It’s not the schedule. It’s not whose turn it was at two in the morning. I’m just going to say it plain. That’s sin.

And here’s the thing that wrecks me about it. It’s the same heart. The same heart that curves in on itself and uses Jesus is the same heart that curves in and uses her. I know that heart. I lived in that heart for years.

And now church, here’s where a lesser sermon, here’s where I would have preached this ten years ago. I’d just tell you to go home and fix it. Try harder. Be a better man. Be a better husband. But do you hear it? That’s just using Jesus again, isn’t it? Reaching for him like a self-improvement plan. Like a ticket to a better marriage.

No. The answer to a curved-in heart was never a better effort. The answer was a cross.

The Son already went down first. He ran toward the worst noise there ever was your sin and mine and he went all the way down into it. He honored you and guarded you and cherished you while you were still the man using everyone to fill himself. He paid it. It is finished.

And church here’s the thing I keep circling back to. Even there. Even on that cross. His eyes were not first on me.

I used to think they were. I used to think the whole thing was just about getting me out. But the Son went to that cross for his Father. For his Father’s love. For his Father’s name that it would be shown for the glory it is. He went down loving his Father all the way to the bottom of it.

And it took me years to see this but it’s the only kind of cross that could ever have saved me. Because a Jesus who died just to get me out well, that’s a ticket again, isn’t it? That’s a rescue and nothing more. But a Son who goes to a cross for the love of his Father that’s a treasure. And in the wake of a love like that the door swung open and I got carried all the way home. I didn’t just get out of something. I got in.

So hear our word one more time. Only now don’t hear it as a job. Hear it as the gift it always was.

I cannot honor, and guard, and cherish what I have not first been honored, and guarded, and cherished as. And on a cross, church you were.

So you don’t kneel tonight to buy your way back. You kneel because you already belong.

Because here’s what that old sin still tries to do. It dulls you toward God himself. You’re carrying something you won’t even name and all of a sudden you don’t feel like praying. You kneel down already thinking is he even listening? Sin will quietly talk a man out of the very thing he needs most.

So when Peter says, so that your prayers may not be hindered this is what he’s reaching for. Look with me at the very next verse. 1 Peter 3, verse 12.

For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. 1 PETER 3:12 The man who uses his wife finds his own prayers all tangled up. Not because God is keeping score. Because sin always pulls the heart back in on itself. And a heart that pulls toward self is always a heart that can’t guard, or honor, or cherish anyone other than self.

And that, men that’s the whole sermon in one room. The man who’s been beholding her can kneel. The man who’s been using her can’t. And if you can’t hear me that’s not the end. That’s the altar again. You go first. Not down the stairs this time. Down to your knees. You kneel beside her and you say Lord, we don’t even feel like praying tonight. Help us. Amen. That’s a lousy little prayer. And it’s one of the most honoring things a man can do. Because he went first. Because Someone went first for him.

Come And Be Loved

So here’s what I’m not going to do. I’m not sending you home with a list. Five steps to a better father. Ten ways to love your wife. You’d lose the paper by Tuesday and church, so would I.

I’m going to give you one thing. Just one.

Tonight. Before your head hits the pillow. You go first. You find her and you look at her long enough to run clean out of words. And then you say the truest thing you know. You are a fellow heir of the grace of life. And I haven’t been beholding you the way heaven does. And I want to start tonight.

That’s it. You don’t have to fix the marriage tonight. You just have to go first. Because Someone went first for you.

Honor, Guard, Cherish 1 Peter 3:7 Father’s Day